The sudden death of Presley Gerber has left his family in heartbreak and the kind of pain no one should ever have to endure.
On Sunday, his mother Cindy Crawford broke her silence. Not long after, his little sister Kaia did too.
You may know Kaia as a model and an actress, but she’s also a beautiful writer. Though we so wish it was under different circumstances that we learned just how exquisite she can be with her words.
Related: Paris Hilton & More React To News Of Presley’s Death
In an extremely candid, vulnerable post on Instagram, she starts by acknowledging that even this sweeping collection of thoughts could never be enough to fully explain the grief she feels:
“i don’t have the words. and maybe the tiny mercy is that we didn’t need them all along. words fail and words subtract and words summarize and words always lack truth. and how naive of me to believe that language could transcend grief.”
Continuing, she notes something anyone who’s gone through such pain can attest to:
“i’ve read all of the books and i have none of the answers. my articulation is no match against this, the magnitude of losing you.
i am, quite literally, down on my f[**]king knees.”
She writes of Presley’s ability to stay soft and pure in a world so often filled with hate:
“you know how much i loved being your sister. it has always been, and will forever be, my favorite thing about myself. i came into this world with a white-knuckle grip around you. i had more love for you than i knew what to do with. and now that it has nowhere obvious to go, i’m certain it’s going to swallow me whole.
you believed – always believed – in people. you met cruelty not with anger, but with confusion. and curiosity.
you believed people were inherently good because, presley, you are inherently good.
and somehow, through all of it, i got to be your sister, your lucky eternal witness, watching you do the most hard-core, heavy metal thing anyone can do: you stayed soft.”
And she brings readers into the tenderness of their close relationship, revealing how he taught her courage:
“you were my ultimate teacher while you were here, and now i’m left wondering what i could possibly be taught in your absence.
and i keep thinking about how when we were little, i got scared before getting my ears pierced, so you went first.
you always went first.
but when i held the earring they took from your body, all i could think was: that belongs to you.
and i really f[**]king wish you hadn’t gone first this time.
one of the last things you wrote about was a dream you had where animals were running from a fire into a lake. you wondered, “if fear makes type of animal not matter.”
you left me with the answer.
whatever kind of animal i was before this doesn’t matter anymore.
to say loving you was the easiest thing in the world would imply that it required any effort at all. i was born loving you. i will die loving you. there was never anything else.”
As earth-shattering as this loss is, though, the love they shared was worth it. She explains:
“because, presley, even knowing where it ends, i would choose it all over again. every second. i would walk knowingly toward this grief if it meant that on the other side of it i got to be your sister.
richard feynman once wrote to his wife after she died, “you, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive. my darling wife, i do adore you. i love my wife. my wife is dead.”
give me the whole impossible bargain. give me every year with you and then give me this.”
She remembers her brother as her “best buddy,” her “great protector,” and “the one true love” of her life. Read her full post below:
Incredible tribute for an incredible bond.
May he rest in peace, and may she always feel his energy with her.
